It ends now.

Isn't is funny how easy it is to say "I'm not going to be like my mother" before you have kids? Yeah, it's a different story once you do have kids. As much as I do not want to parent like my mom did, I find myself constantly repeating many of the same things with my own kids. And I hate that. I need to break away from that somehow, but I don't know how. Being raised a certain way, with parents that dealt with anger and frustration in different ways, along with being an only child with no close family, they only way I know how to deal with the anger and frustration that my kids make me feel, is the way my mom did. And that is NOT how I want to deal with my anger. My mom dealt with her anger, I feel, in many unhealthy ways. Yes, she was not ever afraid to say what she felt and she never left anything bottled up inside of her, as my dad always did, but her ways of letting that anger go were very damaging to me and I am still trying to figure out how to deal with effects it has left on me.
 I am terrified that I will do the same thing to my own kids. I don't want them to feel a single ounce of the pain and hurt that I felt and still feel. I want them to feel safe, and secure, and happy and unconditionally loved and accepted by me. As much as they drive me completely crazy most days, I love them so much and am so grateful that God has blessed us with such amazing little people.
 I wish so much that I had a mother figure to look up to. I miss my mother in law so much- I wish I could talk to her about parenting and life and have her reassurance that I am doing a good job raising her grand kids. She was the best mother in law anyone could ask for and I wish I had had more than just a couple of years as her daughter in law.
 Often, my blog and facebook status comes across as negative. And it usually is,  but that's only because I need a place to vent. I can't just call up my mom and tell her what a rotten day I had or get her advice or hear stories of how she dealt with me when I was a certain age. So, I need a place to vent a little bit. Despite what is may seem on facebook or my blog, the kids and I have lots of good times and I am not always a crazy mess of frustration. But it may appear that way based on the amount of venting I do.
 How do I break the way I deal with my anger and frustrations, the ways that were drilled into me growing up, the only ways I have ever known?  I need to change now. Lily is 4 and I do not want her to remember me yelling at her or going overboard or getting angry over nothing. I do not want to do anything or say anything that will scar my kids the way I have been. Words that were said to me in the past still haunt me and virtually break me.  I know that I am going to mess up as a parent and I will make mistakes with each of my kids their whole lives. Everyone does. But I don't want it to be such a big mistake that it makes a lifelong impact on them. I know I am going to yell at them from time to time, I think it's impossible for any parent not to yell at their kids every now and then. But the frequency needs to change. The way I handle myself needs to change. I need to be the adult and act like the adult. I need to do it for me. I need to do it for my three kids.
 My biggest fear, aside from losing Jake or one of my kids, is that I am going to emotionally scar my kids. And yet somehow, I fear that I am headed down that path. If I don't work on it now, it will snowball, and then another generation will have repeated itself. I am determined not to let the past repeat itself. It can't. It must end now.