A lot has happened since my last post, but I have't felt drawn to this space in a long time. It's not that I haven't had anything to write about; goodness, I could write a novel about all that we have been through in the past few months. But I haven't felt inspired, haven't felt like I have had a good message to share. I mean, who wants to read about the day to day life of a crazy family of 8? I feel like when I write, there's often a deeper meaning behind it. And I haven't felt that in a while.
But over the past few weeks, I have felt something brewing in me, something I needed to get out in words. Except, I'm not sure if the right words will come or if the right message will be conveyed.
But I need to try
This Christmas was conflicting for me.
On one hand, it was magical- it was our first Christmas with C and S,our second with Sam and although most days are still really hard, it was really special to take part in all of our Christmas traditions with our two new ones.
On the other hand, it has been heartbreaking. Christmas Eve at our church was amazing- celebrating Jesus' birth and everything that means. Even though I know what Christmas is all about, and have heard it my entire life, this night was different.
The message that night woke up something deep inside of me.
God is working in me, I can feel it. He is trying to show me things, trying to help me realize things, helping me connect the dots. And I want Him to. But this process is so painful. It is making me realize things I never wanted to realize. It is making me think about things I have tried to forget.
I know I need this, but it hurts. It really hurts.
But I'm realizing that that's okay.
It sounds a little silly, but I am finally starting to really understand what the meaning of Christmas is.
It's not just about a baby; it's about Love.
We've all heard it before, right?
"For God so loved the world that he sent his only son that whoever believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life"
But really, what does that mean??
It means this:
Actions speak louder than words.
What you do means more than what you say.
He loves me SO fiercely, that HE CAME. He left Heaven and showed up on my doorstep with his arms open wide and when I opened the door He said " My daughter, I have missed you so much. I know I tell you that I love you, and that I wrote it down for you in a book, but I just love you so much that I had to come. I needed to come here for you because you need me. I showed up because words just aren't enough."
There have been many people throughout my entire life that used the words "I love you", but I am still waiting for them to show up.
And that is what is cutting me so deep.
But understanding that my God loves me so much that He showed up?
That is Love. That is Christmas.