I've been trying to figure out why I sometimes have a hard time controlling my anger and frustration.
I feel like that is something I should have down by now. I mean, I have been a parent for over 7 years now. Shouldn't I know how to control my emotions? Shouldn't I be ready for the tantrums, the crying, the whining, the not listening, the fighting?
Yes, I should. But, no, I don't always know how to.
It is something I struggle with every single day.
Maybe it's because I was raised in a home with yelling and losing tempers.
Maybe it's because I never totally learned how to work out my feelings in a healthy way.
Maybe it's because I need to eat better and exercise more.
I don't know. Probably a combination of everything and more.
But I know that I need to work harder.
I don't like losing my temper. I don't like yelling at my kids. I don't like acting so childish.
I don't want my kids to remember me constantly blowing up at them. Even though it's not all the time and the times that I am calm and we do work things out peacefully far outweigh the times that I lose my cool.
That's what I remember from my childhood. Those are the times that stick out like a sore thumb. Those are the times that are painful to remember.
I want my kids to remember my gentle touch.
I want them to feel my love.
I want them to remember me taking a minute for myself, to pray and calm down, when I am feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, so that I don't take it out on them.
I want my kids to remember me hugging them and holding them when emotions run high.
I want them to see that it's okay to feel all of the crazy intense feelings we have each and every day. But to learn how to handle them.
I want my kids to see me apologize and hear me tell them that I was wrong and tell them the right way to handle their temper when I do inevitably lose it.
I want my kids to see a parent, and not someone who should be the parent but is instead acting just like them.
When my kids are all grown, and are parents themselves, I want them to think back on their childhood and remember that yes, their mom felt frustrated and angry sometimes, but that they still felt loved and safe and secure during those times.
I know that I won't be able to control my emotions 100% of the time, but I do know that I can do so much better than I am right now.
My kids don't deserve to look back and remember their mom yelling at them all the time.
They deserve a parent that sees and acknowledges one of their biggest weaknesses and is willing to work every single day to turn it into one of their biggest strengths.