wife to Jake, mommy to my 3 crazy munchkins, Lily (7), Jonah (5.5) and Kate (4). Taking this crazy blessed life one day at a time.

9.28.2012

Fear. Part 1.


Lately, I feel like I am being consumed by fear. 

I feel like I waiting for something awful to happen to one of us. 

I am not so much afraid of an accident, although don't get me wrong, I still worry about that too. But I am more afraid of one of us getting sick. And I mean really sick. 

When we were first taking Kate to the doctor because of her morning vomiting, I was sure that they were going to tell us that she had a brain tumor. Thank God her MRI came back clean.

I guess I feel like I am hearing so much about people getting sick, it seems like it's just a matter of "when" rather than "if", know what I mean? It feels like it's everywhere. And by "it" I mean cancer. 

I wouldn't say I have had an easy life, but I have managed to squeak by without much tragedy. I have not witnessed someone I love dearly go through the hell that is cancer. I have not met it firsthand. 

I feel like something is coming. Something that will change our family forever. 

I know that sounds awful, but it's just a feeling that I have. 

When I was getting my IUD, the doctor was telling me that he had done hundreds of these procedures, but as each one went on, he would get a little more nervous because the odds kept going up, the odds that he would mess up. Funny thing that he told me that because I was the one he messed up on!  Ironic, huh?

But doesn't it feel that way sometimes? As each day goes on, each day you and your family are alive and well, it feels like you are that much closer to something awful happening?

I hate that I have been so consumed by this fear; this feeling that something is about to come down and shake our world.  I know that there are people out there that seem to escape such tragedy, but I feel like those people are getting fewer and fewer. It seems as though everyone's lives have been personally touched by cancer. 

When will it hit my life? I pray never. But it almost seems unavoidable. 

Please tell me I am not the only one out there with fears like this? I can't be. 


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2 comments:

Rachel said...

Lauren, you're not the only one. I have a strange and constantly present fear of cancer as well. My grandma had it and my aunt has it, and so I have the horrible question "who's next?" in my head. Me? My mom? Keith? It's certainly a more and more common problem these days, and sometimes it makes no sense at all who gets it and who doesn't. But as you said in your Fear Part 2 post, ultimately God is in control, especially when we feel like we have none. But trusting can be scary sometimes, too. I think the best thing we can do is try to get the "waiting" out of our heads. To stop waiting for it as if we KNOW it's coming, because then we spend our lives in fear of something that may never, ever, ever happen. <3

Jen said...

You are not the only one! I too am the wife of a fire fighter. We just recently attended the wake of one of the fire fighters from my husband's dept. It was an unexpectedly hard time for me. There were many(too many) similarities between the fire fighter that passed away and my husband. It has been haunting me for days! Just today I went with my husband for a follow up for an MRI of a lump he has. The doctor does not believe it to be cancerous but is very insistent that he has it out. Because of the location (behind his ear by his neck) it is a very complicated surgery involving the risk of temporarily and or permanently damaging facial nerves.
My husband and I have not had any tragedies in our 12 years of marriage. I feel like we are "due". I know I should not live in fear and that God is sovereign. I know that God has a plan for us and it is what is best for us but I do still live in that fear that I will lose my husband. I know it is wrong, I need to trust God. I do trust HIm I'm just afraid that He thinks I can handle it alone~