"Sowing in tears, reaping with shouts of joy"

Getting ready for bed tonight, I thought “ugh, I need to see what tomorrow’s stupid advent is”. And then I stopped. 

And I started to cry. 

“Stupid advent”

 Advent is a time to celebrate the coming- Jesus’ coming. It shouldn’t be something to dread each day.

 I used to enjoy doing these daily activities with my kids. But now? Everything is so hard. There is so much noise, so much fighting, so many mean words and not enough good for me to find joy in the day. Jake says I’m still mourning, still grieving the life we lost. And it’s true. I miss it. And I feel guilty for missing it. I miss enjoying my children. I long for it but it is so rare now. And it breaks my heart to say that.

 I love my kids but where they are, where I am, is not where I want to be. The past year and a half, I have not been a very good version of myself, and neither has my family. I remember feeling this way when the original 3 were very small. They were so needy and I struggled with that. But we moved on and things were easier and more fun and peaceful. I am hopeful that is not too far off in our future, but this time, the kids are older. They only have so many years left in our home. What if that’s not enough time to get back to where I want us to be, where I need us to be? I miss them. I miss us. How we were. I so long for that and I’m afraid we won’t get there. 

I am certain that this is what God has called us to do, but sometimes I wonder why. I am eager to see what is ahead and to see what he has in store for our family and why he has brought us on this journey. My heart aches for many reasons and sometimes the heaviness of this weight is almost too much to bear. There have been 2 times in my life I know God has spoken to me and both times were within the past 2 years, while we’ve been on this journey. And sometimes, those words are some of the only things that help get me through- reassuring me that we are doing the right thing. 

For me right now, daily life is a struggle. It is not hard just because we have 6 kids. It’s hard because of what each person brings to the table. Each individual brings different things into our family and making it all work feels nearly impossible at times. Our three newest additions bring everything to a whole new level- a level that, if you haven’t personally experienced it before, is hard to fully comprehend. It is hard for me to do something simple like an advent activity because I know how it will go- there is always fighting and arguing and usually ends with someone yelling and at least one person crying. 

Why even bother? I guess I bother because I hope that somewhere in all of the mess, some good memories will be made and it will help make them better people. I pray that if we can just make it through these years- if Jake and I can keep our heads up and somehow stay just above the madness, that some day, these kids will become adults that love the Lord and love their families and love others in an extraordinary way. 

Psalm 126:5-6

Those who sow in tears
shall reap with shouts of joy!
 He who goes out weeping,
bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
bringing his sheaves with him.

"The Talk"

After my most recent post on Facebook, many of you asked if I would write a blog post on how we talk to our kids about sex. 

Like most parents, I was nervous about beginning that conversation. Where do you even begin??

Then I came across this book series:

After looking into it, I had heard and read so many good things. Then I just happened to find all 4 books at our library sale for .50 each! 

Jake and I read through the first two books, and although it can be a bit cheesy at times, overall we really liked the message that it sends about God, sex and our bodies. 

The books are done by age, so book one is ages 3-5, book two is 5-8, book three is 8-11 and book four is 11-14. 

The books start out slow- you aren't giving your kid all the info right in book one. Book one talks more about body parts and what makes us male and female. By the end of book two, you know what it takes to make a baby. I don't know all that is in book three yet because I haven't gotten that far.

Since I didn't find out about these books until just over a year ago, we didn't get to start them at the recommended age, but it still worked out well. 

We decided to read the book together as a family, instead of doing it one on one. The kids were 6, 7 and 9.

We read book one and then a little later, book two, with the kids. These books are not meant to be the only source of information. They are meant to start conversations, which is exactly what it did for us. The kids asked lots of great questions and were surprisingly very open about talking through all these new things they were learning and figuring out. 

Jake and I have been very open and honest with them and encourage them to ask questions or talk anytime they want to. We don't want them to feel like it's an embarrassing subject, but one that they should be able to talk about with us because that is how God created us. We do stress with them that while it is not embarrassing, it is private, so it's not something they should be discussing with friends just yet. 

The readings and conversations and questions went really well, even though there were many giggles (from the kids and from me!). Props to Jake who is amazing at staying calm and composed. Because of this, he does all the reading- I wouldn't be able to make it through a book- anytime the kids start to giggle, I can't help but join right in!

Well, since then, we had two more kids join our family this summer. Jake and I realized that we needed to have this conversation all over again! So the other week, we decided to pull out book one again and start the conversation with all 5 big kids, ages 10, 9, 8, 7 and 7, together. 

We read, we talked, we asked questions, we watched youtube videos showing a woman's belly growing each week of pregnancy, we showed them pictures of a newborn baby with it's umbilical cord still attached and we talked and talked and talked. The talking and questions takes up way more time than the actual reading, which I think is a good thing. 

Last night, we read book two with them and I have been surprised each time by how well it goes. Yes, the kids think it's weird and funny, and they ask SO many hilarious questions but they also ask really good questions that have led to a lot of other really great conversations such as politics, faith, abortion, miscarriage... and it was actually really cool to have such mature conversations with our 5 big kids. 

We finished book two and will read book three, which is quite a bit longer than the first two books, with the older three in the next few weeks. 

I know these books are not for everyone, but we have really enjoyed them and it has opened the door to many healthy conversations with our kids about a subject that can be very difficult to discuss. If anyone local ever wants to take a look at ours before buying, just let me know! I hope this was helpful to some of you :) 

My one piece of advice is to start the conversation early. It feels a lot less like an embarrassing secret if you start things while they are young. and then as they grow, it's a lot easier to talk about. 

Here are some funny quotes from our conversations:

- "womb hole" instead of vagina

- "Do you fall asleep during sex?"

- "What do you make for breakfast after?"

- " Can you have sex during the day?? You CAN???"

- " Do you only have sex on your anniversary?" 

- "How do you know when it's over?"

and my favorite:

" So, do you ask your husband if he wants to have sex? Do you say ' Do you want to have sex today?' What if he says no??"

Jake: " That will never happen" 

LOL!

Sometimes words just aren't enough

A lot has happened since my last post, but I have't felt drawn to this space in a long time. It's not that I haven't had anything to write about; goodness, I could write a novel about all that we have been through in the past few months. But I haven't felt inspired, haven't felt like I have had a good message to share. I mean, who wants to read about the day to day life of a crazy family of 8? I feel like when I write, there's often a deeper meaning behind it. And I haven't felt that in a while. 

But over the past few weeks, I have felt something brewing in me, something I needed to get out in words. Except, I'm not sure if the right words will come or if the right message will be conveyed. 

But I need to try

---------------

This Christmas was conflicting for me. 

On one hand, it was magical- it was our first Christmas with C and S,our second with Sam and although most days are still really hard, it was really special to take part in all of our Christmas traditions with our two new ones. 

On the other hand, it has been heartbreaking. Christmas Eve at our church was amazing- celebrating Jesus' birth and everything that means. Even though I know what Christmas is all about, and have heard it my entire life, this night was different. 

The message that night woke up something deep inside of me. 

God is working in me, I can feel it. He is trying to show me things, trying to help me realize things, helping me connect the dots. And I want Him to. But this process is so painful. It is making me realize things I never wanted to realize. It is making me think about things I have tried to forget. 

I know I need this, but it hurts. It really hurts.

But I'm realizing that that's okay. 

It sounds a little silly, but I am finally starting to really understand what the meaning of Christmas is.

It's not just about a baby; it's about Love. 

We've all heard it before, right? 

"For God so loved the world that he sent his only son that whoever believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life"

But really, what does that mean?? 

It means this: 

Actions speak louder than words.

What you do means more than what you say. 

He loves me SO fiercely, that HE CAME. He left Heaven and showed up on my doorstep with his arms open wide and when I opened the door He said " My daughter, I have missed you so much. I know I tell you that I love you, and that I wrote it down for you in a book, but I just love you so much that I had to come. I needed to come here for you because you need me. I showed up because words just aren't enough."

There have been many people throughout my entire life that used the words "I love you", but I am still waiting for them to show up.

And that is what is cutting me so deep. 

But understanding that my God loves me so much that He showed up? 

That is Love. That is Christmas.

From homeschooling to public school

I have had quite a few people ask me about our school year this year, so I thought I'd give a little update. 

As most of you know by now, we had 2 foster children, 7 and 9, come to live with us over the summer. Before they came, we were fully committed to homeschooling Lily, Jonah and Kate again this year. Curriculum was already bought and organized in our homeschool room and Lily  had even  started her new math book already; she was too excited to wait until the start of the school year! ( I still have it if anyone is interested in a grade 4 math curriculum....)

C and S came to us as an emergency placement. We were not expecting to have any more children come to live with us for a while, if at all, because of where we were in the process with Sam. C and S coming was completely unexpected, and even though we were very slow to say 'yes' to them, we felt God's hand in the situation and knew that they were meant to be with us for this time. 

Foster children can not be homeschooled, so saying yes to them meant that we needed to have a discussion about schooling and that we had to be open to possibly changing the plans we had for the school year. 

After being a family of 8 for a couple of weeks, we decided that it would be best to send all of the kids to public school for this year. 

I was relieved, because the thought of homeschooling the 3, and then having Sam at home when he is becoming more mobile by the day, and then having 2 in school, was really stressing me out. But I was also really really disappointed. Our school year last year was really difficult, but it was also really great and the kids LOVED being homeschooled. 

We told the kids our decision about school and Lily and Jonah both cried. A lot. Kate on the other hand, was thrilled, since she's the only one that has never been to public school before. 

We talked to the kids about it throughout the summer and little by little they were becoming more okay with the idea. 

Meanwhile, I was having doubts and was feeling really sad about sending them to school, especially about Kate since she's been home with me for so long. I was really questioning whether or not this was the best choice for us. 

We all went to 'new student night' at the school and that really sparked a lot of excitement in the kids. They saw their classrooms and their desks and cubbies. They saw their friends names and who was in their class. They toured the school and met the principal. For me, it was so strange to be back in that setting and especially to see Kate's name on the desk in her classroom. But after that night, the kids couldn't wait to start! 

This week is their 4th week in school and so far, it has been GREAT! I really didn't know what to expect, having 2 kids that were starting a brand new school (after joining our family less than 2 months before),  2 kids going back to public after being homeschooled, and 1 that had never been to public school before. 

All of the kids love their teachers (and so do I!), Kate is thrilled to be in school, C and S are making friends and Lily and Jonah are enjoying seeing their old friends again. 

Even up until the first day of school, I was still feeling really sad about not homeschooling and was praying hard that this year would be a positive year for all of them. But after that first day, I have felt so much better. The kids are all happy, they are getting a break from each other and get to be around new and old friends, Jake and I are getting lots of time with Sam which has been just awesome, and Jake and I are getting time together, which has really made a huge difference in our days, our weeks and in our marriage! We have even started going out on weekly breakfast or lunch dates with Sam and it has been wonderful. 

So, for now, I can say that this year, sending the kids back has been the right choice for us. We will see how much the kids are still loving school once the homework starts coming home, but for now, I am thankful that we are off to a great start and I feel peace about sending them off to school instead of guilt.

I don't know what we will do next year, but we will see how this year goes and we will take it year by year. I am thankful that we do live in a town with a great school system and that we have the choice to do what is best for our kids each year. 

One Step Closer

I don't remember a time in my life where I have cried happy tears and sad tears at the same time. 

Today was a big day for us. 

Today, our baby boy became legally free for adoption. 

When I got the call from the social worker, I cried. When she called a second time, I cried again. 

At first they were only happy tears. 

From our perspective, we have been waiting 357 days for this. We have loved this boy as our own from day one and each day we love him even more. He is a part of our family and we can't wait for him to be ours forever. 

But then they became sad tears.

From their perspective, they are about to lose their son. Even though he has us, our boy has lost his mom and dad. Despite the good that comes from adoption, there is so much loss and heartache. No matter what happened to his mom and dad, whether they willing gave him up or tried their hardest to get him back, that family is losing their son, their grandson, their nephew, their brother. And he is losing them. 

Yes, he is gaining a lot (and so are we!!), but there is no denying the loss that accompanies adoption.

So, today there were happy tears and there were sad tears. 

But we are one step closer to adoption day. 

What is next?

30 days. 

Birth mom has 30 days to appeal. 

If she does, it bumps the adoption out a while, maybe a long while (think 2 years).

If she does not, he will be ours this fall. 

30 days. This is our last major hurdle. 

Part of me really can't believe it. 

I am so thankful. 

Even though this process is incredibly difficult, I am so thankful for that little boy and who he is and what he  brings to our family. I'm thankful for a faithful God that has been with us every step of the way. I am thankful for the outpouring of love and support from all of you. 

Stay tuned- 30 days is going to go by in the blink of an eye!

(and for those of you that saw my post on facebook, don't get too attached to his name- even though we like it, it will  be changing soon :)  )

...and then there were six. {our third foster care experince}

As of yesterday afternoon, we are now a family of 8. 

Last week, we got a desperate email from DCF, asking if we would be able to take in a pair of siblings; an emergency placement. 

Our first thought was "no way". 

We were not looking to take on more kids just yet, especially because of where we are in the process with baby J. But we asked for some more information on the kids. 

After learning a bit of their story and their background, Jake and I were feeling very conflicted. We wanted to take them, but we were (okay, mostly I was) really scared about taking on 6 kids. I mean, 6 kids is a lot of kids! 

All week last week I had a knot in my stomach and was feeling nervous every day. We were praying and praying about it and decided that we couldn't make a decision without meeting them first. We needed to see them in person, see how they acted around each other and around our kids. 

So we arranged a playdate for Sunday. All of the kids thought we were just meeting to play with new friends. We spent 3+ hours playing and talking and it could not have gone any better. As soon as I saw them, the nerves and the knot in my stomach were gone.

Jake and I weren't even home from the playdate before we knew what our decision was. 

We told our 3 that night and their reaction was priceless. They all gasped while covering their mouths  with their hands, and were grinning and giggling like crazy. The way they open their hearts and love so easily is just incredible.

We spent last week prepping the house for 2 more kids, rearranging kids rooms, building beds, buying towels and toothbrushes and journals (among other things). 

Yesterday, Jake went down with the social worker to pick them up. It was not easy waiting those few hours for them to come! 

S and C finally came and so far things have gone so much better than I expected. 

We are all quickly falling in love with these two. 

I know that we are going to have rough days. I am sure after a couple of weeks here, when they start to feel more comfortable, we will see things that we aren't seeing now. And that's okay, we expect that. 

We went into this with the mindset that this is just temporary- until they are matched with a pre-adoptive family. But I have a feeling what we thought would be just temporary, just might end up being forever. 

I love God's sense of humor. We started this whole adoption journey looking for a sibling group between age 0-5. And what do we end up with? A newborn boy and a boy/girl sibling group age 9 and 6! 

So for now, we have:

Lily-9

S-9

Jonah-8

C-6.5

Kate-6.5

Baby J-11 months  

Life has just gotten much crazier but so far, we are loving it. 

Our first meeting

 I always loved this table but now I am really thankful for it!!

adoption update

Well, since my last post, quite a bit has happened. 

For the past 8 months, DCF has been working to reunite J with his birth family. 

It was 8 months of uncertainty about whether he would stay with us or be reunited, but it was also 8 months of loving on the sweetest little boy. 

A few weeks ago we found out that J's goal changed from reunification to adoption. 

This means that they are no longer trying to reunite him with his birth family and are instead working to find him a forever family. 

Since this change, I have had a lot of questions about what's next for us and for him. 

So, here's what has to happen before we would be able to adopt him:

- J is assigned an adoption worker

- lots of paperwork needs to be filled out

- DCF is searching for other members of J's family that could possibly adopt him. (Biological family comes before foster family)

- If they find possible family members for J, that family would need to go through and pass everything that we went through to become a pre-adoptive home.

-If no family is found, then we would be named the pre-adoptive family for J. 

- We work with social workers to see if we can agree on open adoption terms with birth family (if it's looking like an open adoption case.)

- Then lawyers and social workers go to court to try to terminate parental rights. 

- If everyone has agreed to open adoption terms, then after rights are terminated, we schedule the court date for the adoption finalization. 

- If terms were not agreed on for the open adoption or if judge wants a closed adoption, birth family has 30 days to appeal. 

- An appeal would prolong this entire process 1.5-2 years (!!!!)

So, right now, that is what we are facing. It is quite the process! But it is worth every second we get to spend with J. 

So many people tell us and other foster/adoptive parents that they "couldn't do it." That they'd "get too attached." 

While it has been hard falling in love with this baby and not knowing his future with us, can't we say the same thing about our biological children? We don't know how long we have with them or what their future holds. But we love them unconditionally, provide for them, meet their needs, have fun with them and live each day not knowing what the next day holds. 

Same with foster care. These kids need a family that will just love them and provide for them and keep them safe. They need you to get attached! And they need to attach to you! Even if you don't know how long they will be with you.

If J were to leave our family, I imagine I would feel the same as if one of my biological children suddenly left our family. Foster child, adoptive child, biological child- it doesn't matter- you don't know what God has in store, so don't let that stop you if you feel led to pursue foster care or adoption.

This process, although very hard, has been life changing for us and we have grown as a family and individually in so many ways. 

Not once have I regretted taking J into our home. 

And even if we all end up heartbroken at the end of this, I can guarantee all 6 of us wouldn't trade these months with J for anything. 

That being said, in our situation, things are looking promising that he will end up with us. We won't know for sure for a few months still, but we are very hopeful. 

Thank you to everyone that has been praying for us and supporting us through this journey- we are so very thankful for you! 

"Trust Me"

Everyone knows that the foster care/adoption process is not easy.

We knew that going into it. We heard it in our training classes, from our friends, from our family, from our social worker and from strangers.

But I can tell you, it's harder than you think. It's harder than I thought it would be.

It's hard filling out all the paperwork and going through the training classes and meetings, but you get through it and move on to the next step.

It's hard waiting and waiting for an email or phone call about a potential placement. It's even harder saying "no" when you know in your heart it isn't the right fit.

It's hard when you say "yes", but then they pick a different family.

It's hard when you finally get that call and the answer is yes and suddenly your world has changed.

It's hard, so so hard, when every Thursday, reality smacks you in the face when you talk to his social worker about visits with birth parents.

It's hard not yet knowing what will happen.

This journey is so much more difficult than I thought it would be. And I'm not sure you can fully understand it until you are experiencing it.

A few months ago, I was feeling very anxious about everything. It was a really rough visit with birth mom for me and I was feeling really discouraged when I heard a voice say, "Trust Me."

That was it.

"Trust Me."

And since then, I have felt peace.

This is the only time in my life where I am certain it was God speaking to me and I have never questioned that.

"Trust Me."

Things are starting to happen in J's case and over the next few months, more of his future will be decided. Will he stay or will he go?

"Trust Me."

The thing that I realize about these words, trust me, is that God is not telling me that J will stay. He is not telling me that he will go.

He is telling me through two simple words, that whatever happens with J, He is in control. He loves me, He loves J, He loves my family, and whatever happens in the end, will bring Him glory.

"Trust Me."

Knowing that we will be finding out in the coming months about J's future, I have felt myself begin to get anxious again. But remembering "Trust Me" and how I felt when I first heard those words, I feel at peace again, but it is still so hard.

We love this baby more than words can express. Please pray for his future, the next few months with meetings and court dates coming up, pray for us, for patience, for understand, for wisdom, and to continue to trust.

all in.

As we first began going through the steps to become a pre-adoptive home, there were many things about adoption that scared me. 

" Are we doing the right thing? Is this going to be too much? Can we afford more kids? Are we crazy?! How will our biological kids feel/act/behave? What if they don't like us? What if this is too hard?"

As we moved through the process, slowly those fears began to fade away. A few remained, but I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing. 

When we finished our training classes, even though they were terrifying and heartbreaking and scary and hard, I felt oddly peaceful and the excitement really began to grow. 

But even as my excitement grew, there was still one real fear in my heart. 

" Will I love them? Will they feel like mine? Will I want to smother their little faces with kisses like I do with my other kids? Will it feel like babysitting? Will it feel the same as my other three?"

These thoughts and fears were very real for me and made me second guess our path once or twice. 

Then we got D for one week. Respite care. We knew he couldn't stay. He already had a family trying to adopt him.

But we got a glimpse. A little peak at what it would someday be like for us. When we wouldn't have to send them back once we all started to get attached. 

And that little glimpse made us all excited for the future and a little of that fear began to fade. 

But I was still unsure. Still some of that fear lingered in my heart. I wasn't all in with D because we knew he wasn't ours. 

And then came J. 

A baby. 12 days old. 

The first couple of weeks and months were hard. Suddenly having a newborn again is not the easiest transition in the world. 

But life was good. We were all soaking in life with new baby. Well, as much as we could with construction and schooling and soccer and so on. 

Once we had J, that fear I had was no longer.

It is amazing to me how quickly he felt like mine. Like a part of our family. Like he had a piece of my heart all along. 

But now that J is about 3 1/2 months old, things are changing. 

He is sleeping better, he is happier during the day, he is showering us with the most precious smiles and coos you have ever heard. 

I suddenly find myself head over heels for this boy. 

I think I was not all in the first couple of months because, let's face it, life with a newborn is hard hard work. 

But now that he is moving out of newborn and moving into baby, I realized today, that I am all in. 

I love this boy more than I was expecting. 

I love him like he is my son. Like he always was my son.

I think it is so beautiful how God can grow this bond between people and how they can become yours even if you don't share the same blood. It is incredible what the human heart is capable of.

Now, the only fear that I am left with is J's future. 

We pray that he will end up wherever is best for him. Wherever he needs to be to learn the love of Jesus and to share the love of Jesus, let him be there. Whether that's with us, or with his birth family, let it be. 

The only thing is, all 6 of us are all in. 

But that's just what J needs. He needs us to be all in. And we are.

I am so happy and relieved to say that the fear I had in my heart about loving a child that I didn't give birth to has vanished. God works in wondrous ways and just as He has adopted us and loves us and gives orphans a home, He has given us the ability to do the same. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how much I love J and how incredible it is to love someone this way. 

Blood doesn't make you a family. You make your family. You choose to love. Always choose love. 

An update and some Q&A.

Well, it's been nearly two months since my last post so I thought it was time for an update.

J turns 3 months old this week. It's crazy to me how quickly he's becoming a baby and not a tiny newborn. 

The BEST thing about J right now are his smiles and coos. Seriously, is there anything better?! I think not. 

Life has been stabilizing a bit since he is getting bigger and is on more of a schedule now, however life is still completely crazy with baby, house construction, grad school, homeschooling, and all of J's visits and appointments. It's all going fairly well, but it's been the busiest time in our lives hands down. 

I have been getting a ton of questions about everything going on, especially with J, so I thought I would answer some:

Q: So, did you guys adopt J yet? 

A: No. And if we are able to, it won't happen for a long time.Like years. He is not on the adoption track yet, as pretty much the first year of his life, his goal is to be reunified with his birth family. 

Q: So, what do you know about his birth mom?

A: We know little bits, and are learning a bit more as time goes on. But we are not really able to share any of that info publicly. 

Q: Did you name him? 

A: We did not! If you know him, you know that his name actually fits in well with the rest of our names, which is fun. But birth mom named him and gave him a pretty good one, if I do say so myself :) 

Q: Did you expect/Did you want a baby?

A: NO! We did not expect a baby at all! If you've read any of my other posts about our adoption journey, you know that we were looking at 1-3 kids from ages 0-5. Honestly, Jake and I thought we would get a sibling group of 2 with one closer to age 4-5 and one maybe age 1-2. Everyone knows that the wait list for babies is always really long, so we just assumed that we would never get a baby. But we got the call, said yes, and we are so happy to have J with us. 

Q: So when is your house going to be done?

A: Well, there is no real timetable since Jake is doing most of the work himself, with help from my awesome father-in-law. He is thinking we will be able to move up into the new bedrooms in the spring. But it really just depends on how quickly Jake works :) 

Q: How is homeschooling going?

A: Honestly, not as well as I was envisioning. It is going pretty well- the kids are enjoying it and doing well at their work, but I am not loving it as much as I thought I would. But we are still getting started and finding our way and there is still plenty of time for things to improve. 

Q: How is J sleeping at night?

A: Much better! He's up once or twice for a bottle and usually goes back to sleep easily. I'm still always tired because life right now is just so exhausting that I don't think any amount of sleep will feel like enough! 

Q: How are the kids doing with J?

A: The kids are amazing with J. They love him so so much and it has been so awesome to see them love and care for this baby. They want to hug, kiss and hold him all the time (unless he's crying....) and are quick to help out when I need it. They even change some diapers and give him a bottle! 

That's all I can think of for now. Please continue to keep us in prayer as I do not foresee things slowing down for us anytime soon. 

We are so thankful for the prayers and support from all of you!

Life these days.

We have had the babe for almost 4 weeks now. Which I find to be somewhat unbelievable, seeing that the waiting-for-a-placement part of adoption seems to take forever, but now that he's here, time is flying at the speed of light. 

Life these days is, well.... crazy. 

Honestly.

We are in the middle of major house renovations. The first floor is nearing completion, but in a few short weeks, we will have no roof and cranes will be hoisting the frame of our second floor up onto our house. 

We started homeschooling last week. The kids are loving it, especially Lily, and it is going fairly smoothly so far. But we are still working on finding our groove, our routine, our rhythm.

Sleep in this house is.....let's just say I wish there was more of it. I am hoping someday soon I will be able to get more than 3 hours at a time.

As for adjusting to life with a newborn again?

I'd say we all have adjusted very well. Surprisingly, the kids have done pretty great for suddenly having to share so much of mom and dad's time and energy. They love this little boy like he has always been a part of our family, which is really awesome to see.

We have quickly adjusted to making bottles, (sometimes one handed!), to lugging that incredibly heavy infant car seat around, to changing diapers, to doubling our dishwasher usage (thanks to said bottles...), to quickly catching spit-up and to all the other little things that you so quickly forget about when you have a newborn in the house. Except the waking up multiple times in the middle of the night. That's a little harder to get used to.

We have been soaking in the snuggles, the squishy cheeks (his are seriously delicious), the soft, fluffy hair, the teeny tiny baby hands and feet (the kids can't get over how small his toes are), the baby yawns (why is it so cute when babies yawn?), and one of my favorites, the baby stretches (he stretches just like Jonah did as a baby and I love it).

While we are enjoying this sweet newborn, we are often snapped back into reality by phone calls, emails, conversations and visits. It's easy to forget that he's not ours until we are reminded about visits with birth parents, check-ins with social workers, doctors appointments where I can give no medical history, questions from strangers about if he is breastfed and why not, and comments from a nosy old lady asking me, in a very rude and judgmental tone, if I am even old enough to have all these kids.

This is a rough process and we are just at the beginning. I am sure that hardest is yet to come.

But, it is worth it. We are giving baby J a loving home where he is safe and cared for. However long he is with us is time well spent, even when it's hard.

Please keep praying for us, as this, even though it's going pretty well, is honestly a very hard season of life. We are so thankful for all of you that are loving baby J right there with us, and for those of you that are supporting us.

The call. {Our second foster care experience}

Of course the call came when we least expected it. 

It always seems to work that way. 

The call came on Monday. Actually, the email came first. 

"Any interest?" was written in the subject line.

A 12 day old baby boy.

The call came at 3:00.

 Our homestudy was chosen. We were chosen. 

We made an emergency trip to Target (where else?!) to get supplies to get us through the first couple of days: diapers, wipes, formula, some clothes, pacifiers, a baby blanket.

We went to the hospital that night to meet him, to feed him, to learn more about him. 

The next day, after dropping 3 very excited children off with Grandma Jan, we headed to the hospital to bring home our boy. 

It took 2 hours of talking to the doctors, nurses and social workers, signing papers and packing up his things, until we were walking out into the rain, carrying this new little life. 

I whispered to Jake, "They are letting us leave with a baby!"

It has been so surreal to be home with a newborn again. I still can hardly believe it. 

Ever since we started this process, I have wondered what it would feel like taking in someone else's child as my own. Would I feel the way I do about my biological children? Would it feel like babysitting? Would it feel like a burden?

Honestly, I was scared.

I was scared that I wouldn't love them the same as my kids, scared that it would feel like a burden.

With J, I am relieved to say that the past few days have been nothing but a joy.

Aside from some sleep-deprived, middle of the night frustration on night 2, I have been soaking everything in. We never thought we would get a newborn, so it feels like such a gift to be able to experience this stage of life again.

I already love this little guy so much. We all do.

We are fostering to adopt, but with babies, in the beginning, the goal is for them to be reunified with their birth family. It's a long road adopting babies from DCF.

Sadly, I can not tell you if J will be with us forever. We hope that someday he can proudly say he is a Kreyling, but we won't know that for quite a while.

If he does end up leaving us, I know that we will be able to say that we loved him fiercely, prayed over him, read to him and talked to him about Jesus, and that our lives will be better for knowing him.

But for now, he is ours and we couldn't be happier. 

Please join us in welcoming and loving our new little boy.

As Jonah has excitedly been telling everyone, "Come meet my new little brother that we hope to adopt someday!!!"

(Our amazon wish list: https://www.amzn.com/w/3PPXQMY764PE6 )

Our first foster care experience.

Last week we had a 3 year old boy come to live with us for the week. It was a respite care situation and it was our first time having a child from DCF come into our home.

Honestly? I was excited, but nervous. And scared.

We knew a bit about him and even got to meet him once, but still, I was nervous. Since we had never done this before, I just didn't know what to expect.

But we went in to this knowing that this boy needed a home for the week, knowing that he would have to leave us and go back to his family, and knowing that he just needed a family to love on him, keep him safe, care for him and have fun with him.

And that's what we did.

And we all stepped up to the plate. Especially my kids.

Boy do those kids love and love hard.

They welcomed him and immediately brought him into our family.

Jonah was thrilled to share his room, his toys, his stuffed dinosaur and even a few pairs of socks. Lily happily took him up and down the treehouse countless times, put on his shoes, read him story after story after story, and was so proud to be the first one to successfully put him down for his nap. Kate was his constant playmate, holding his hand on family walks (at his request), playing trucks in the dirt, and blowing hundreds of bubbles.

It was beautiful.

I can't really explain how it felt to see my kids in this way. They were so sweet, so caring, so loving, so forgiving, so accepting, so helpful, in ways I had never seen them before.

Overall, it was a great week. We definitely had some bumps and bruises along the way, as it is never a seamless transition. One thing that surprised me was how quickly Jake and I forgot what it was like living with a three year old! And a three year old that was constantly learning the rules and how we do things in our home. Boy was it exhausting!

We had lots of fun going swimming, blowing lots of bubbles (I think we went through 4 bottles!), going to playgrounds, the library, the splash pad, the bakery, playing with planes and trucks and cars and eating lots of PB&J sandwiches.

By the time Sunday came, we were all checking the clock to see how much time we had left with him and would then run to go play with him some more. When it was time for him to go, we had 4 very sad children. Two were crying and giving hugs, not wanting to let go. One was crying, "don't want to leave! Don't want to go! Want to stay here!"

It was very hard to say goodbye.

It was a good experience and I am glad we had it. We learned a lot about how it feels and what it's like having a child from DCF come into our home. Honestly, it's hard for me to put into words.

But it was hard. It was hard knowing he wouldn't get to stay.

Even though it was painful to say goodbye, we are all changed by this experience, changed by him, changed by opening our home and our hearts to this boy. We are hopeful that one of these days, we will get a child or two or three, and not have to say goodbye.

adoption Q&A

Now that we are getting closer and closer to a placement, I find that I am answering a lot of the same questions, so I thought it would be helpful if I answered some of them for you all. 

Q: International or Domestic adoption?

A: We are adopting through the Department of Children and Families, so our kids will come from right here in Massachusetts. 

Q: What ages/gender/race?

A: We are looking at kids ages 0-5. Race does not matter to us at all, so we are open to anything. As for gender, we just want at least one of them to be a boy :) 

Q: One of them has to be a boy?? Wait, how many kids are you hoping to adopt??

A: We are open to 1-3 kids! We are actually hoping for a sibling group of 2 or 3. We are really feeling called to sibling groups. So often DCF has to break sibling groups up because they can't find families to take them all. So, we are really hoping to be able to keep the siblings together.

DCF has a limit of 6 kids per family, so since we already have 3, we can get up to 3 more.  So, there is a good chance that our family of 5 could soon become a family of 8!

Q: Where are you planning on putting everyone??

A: We currently live in a fairly small ranch on a beautiful corner lot in a fantastic location. We looking into moving, but we kept coming back to the fact that we just love our location too much to move. So, hopefully within a month or two, we will begin construction to add a full second story onto our home. We will also be moving some rooms around on the 1st floor to give us a bigger family room and dining room. It will be our biggest project yet, but the end result will give us 4 bedrooms and a full bath upstairs, and a new living room, new dining room, full bath and one bedroom on the first floor. This, in addition to the 2 rooms in the basement, will give us plenty of space for our growing family.

Q: Do your kids know?
A: Yes! They have been very involved from the beginning. All three of them are so excited about adopting and I know they will be such great big siblings.

Q: You already have 3 kids, why are you adopting?

A: Honestly, we are not adopting for us. We are adopting for them. We are adopting because we have the ability to give these kids a home- to love them, to keep them safe, to give them what they need, to give them a family that loves them unconditionally. We feel that God has called everyone to either 1.) care for these kids in need through adoption or foster care, or 2.) to support the people that are adopting or fostering. We feel led to adopt, so we are following that calling and seeing where it leads us. 

We know this will not be an easy path, but we are so excited to see where it takes us. 

Thoughts on Adoption: pre-placement.

This past week we officially became approved to be a pre-adoptive home.

These are some of my thoughts on our adoption process pre-placement:

Our adoption journey officially started a little over 2 years ago after we found a 2 year old boy wandering alone in a crowded parking lot (read about that here). It was then that we felt a big push from God to get things rolling, so we sent away for the paperwork to get started. 

The paperwork came. And it sat. and sat. and sat.

We were nervous. Scared. Really scared. And life got in the way. 

That paperwork sat for a year in a bright blue folder, tucked away with our weekly grocery ads and take out menus. 

Finally one day, that paperwork was finished and we waited for the next step. 

The first time we met with a social worker, I was so nervous. The house had never looked so clean. 

We were still slightly terrified, but there was also a little bit of excitment starting to brew. 

Months after that first meeting with a worker, we nervously drove to our first training class. 

After 6 long heartbreaking classes, somehow, the excitement was continuing to build. 

All this time, we had been praying. Praying for God to open doors or close doors. Praying for clarity, for patience, for wisdom. Praying for God to show us, tell us, reveal to us whether or not we should continue to pursue this. 

A few months after the classes ended, and we finished another massive mound of paperwork, our homestudy began. Again, I was way more nervous than I needed to be. But all went well. 

After another few months, we got to read that completed homestudy and this past week were approved. 

As difficult as this entire process is, as heartbreaking as it is, as terrifying as it is, somehow our excitement has only grown.

God has shown us through the past 2 years that this is the path we are to take. 

We know that the hardest is yet to come. We know that since we are adopting through foster care, that we could have these kids for weeks, months, maybe even years and that there is a chance that they may not end up with us forever. 

We know that since we are adopting through foster care that it could be years before these kids officially have our last name. 

We know that it won't be easy. 

But it will be worth it.

And now? Now we are on the verge of meeting some very special children. Children that He already knew would be a part of our family since the beginning of time. 

Every day I wake up wondering if it will be the day we get that phone call or that email. Every Day.

It could be Monday or it could be months down the road. 

We are so excited to meet them. Learn about them. Get to know them. Love them.

We are also terrified. 

But  God has changed our hearts so much over the past 2 years and now, what I picture when I picture adopting? 

Right now, I picture these little kids, standing in our doorway for the first time, Jake and I bending down to welcome them to their new home. I picture Lily, Jonah and Kate jumping up and down and squealing with excitement, hugging everyone and wanting to take their new siblings to show them their rooms. I picture Jake and I crying as we look at our new family. 

I know we will be so scared. But the love and excitement we feel for these kids we haven't even met is so much greater than the fear.

Raising kids, from an only child's perspective.

So, I'm seeing everywhere today that it is National Sibling Day. 

Naturally, this got me thinking about my lack of siblings and that I didn't have anyone by side while growing up. No side kick, no one to run around and explore with, no one to fight with, no one to complain about our parents to, no brothers, no sisters. 

My being an only child could not be helped; it is what God meant for our family. It was no one's fault my mom got sick while in labor with me. 

For years and years I wished for a little brother. For as long as I can remember, I said I would have a big family when I grew up. "5 kids", I said. Being the silly girl that I was, I even wrote down what I wanted to name my 5 future children, first and middle names.

Of course I had friends (Forest Ave. friends and families will always hold a special place in my heart!) that I could play, explore, ride bikes, roller skate, trade baseball cards and imagine with. But  I felt like there was something so special about having a brother or a sister. You grow up together, get in trouble together, know each other better than anyone else. I wanted that more than anything. 

When I met and started dating Jake, I was thrilled when I learned he is one of 5 kids. Finally, siblings! Future cousins! A big family! All I had ever wanted. A big, tight-knit family. 

I am so thankful for my extended family- I have 3 beautiful, wonderful caring sisters-in-law and one smart, artistic, adventurous brother-in-law. So far, I am one awesome niece and nephew. I only wish we all lived closer to each other! 

Once Jake and I started our own family, even though it was sooner than we had expected, we were already talking about kid #2. It was never a question of "if" we would go for more than one, it was when. 

We decided early on that we wanted our kids close in age. And just like that, we had a 21 month old and a newborn. 

Then, 8 months later, God decided our family needed one more. And before we knew it, we had a 3 year old, 17 month old and a newborn. 

As hard as it was (and is!), I am so thankful that they have each other. It has been so fun watching them grow up together and I pray that as they grow, their bond will only get tighter and they will be great friends. 

However, being an only child raising 3 kids, has it's difficult moments. 

I think one of the biggest things I have had to figure out in regards to parenting more than one child, is how they act towards each other. What is normal sibling behavior? I really had no real first hand experience with this. Constant fighting- normal? Tattling, hitting, arguing- normal? I knew that it was normal for siblings to fight, but how much? 

As an only child, it has been so interesting to me to watch my 3 kids together. Some days they are best friends, other days they don't want anything to do with each other. One minute they are screaming at each other and the next minute they are fully immersed in some game they made up. I see a bond between them that is so special and a love that truly can be only between siblings. I am so thankful that they get to grow up together and will have each other for the rest of their lives. 

life never slows down {finally an update- job, homeschooling, and adoption}.

Well, it has been months since I last posted anything on here! We have been busy living life and shoveling over 100" of snow in the past month! 

Quite a bit has been happening since I last posted:

We have made great progress on our adoption journey! We have taken all of the classes, reference checks have begun and we are in the process of completing all of the interviews for our home study. This has been such an eye opening experience so far. We know that this is, and will continue to be, quite the adventure and roller coaster ride. We have been praying for guidance and for clarity as we get closer and closer to the time when we will begin looking at and meeting some of the kids. It is incredibly exciting yet also terrifying!  We don't know what the future holds, but we are so excited to possibly bring more little munchkins into the family! 

Another big thing that happened is that in January, Jake changed jobs. He is now a full time Beverly firefighter! This has (and will be) a big step in Jake's career. He is headed off to academy on Monday for 9 weeks. I am anticipating a bumpy transition for the kids, since this will mean less time with Daddy during the week and most likely, a very tired and sore Daddy on the weekends. 

But once academy is over, Jake will be assigned to his Group and will then begin his new schedule, which will be drastically different than what we are used to. He will work 24 hours on, then have 24 hours off, and then work 24 hours on again. Then he will have 5 days off.

That will definitely be an adjustment! 

But because of his new schedule and how much time he has off, we have officially decided to homeschool all 3 kids next school year. Homeschooling Kate this year has been great and she has learned so much- the biggest thing is reading! She is now reading books all on her own and she is so proud. It has been so fun teaching her and watching her learn to read and to see it really start to click just in the past couple of weeks. 

The kids are all excited to try homeschooling next school year. We already ordered our curriculum and everyone in the house can't wait to begin! 

 Jake and I have thought and prayed long and hard over this and we feel that this is the right thing for us next year. We will see how it goes and take it year by year. But for now, we are all really excited to begin our homeschooling adventure!  

In spite of all these big changes going on all around them, the kids are doing great and are really excited about everything going on. Even the massive amounts of snow we've been getting :)

Sledding is the best.