- June 2005- Meet Jacob
- Summer 2005- Hang out with Jake and great group of friends every day and somewhere in there, fall in love.
- September 1, 2005- Officially start dating
- Fall/early winter 2005- LOVE. We fell hard for each other. Totally and completely in love.
- December 25, 2005- Jake flies to Chicago to surprise me!
- December 26, 2005- Sitting in my car outside of Einstein Bagels, we find out we're pregnant.
- January 8th, 2006- Officially engaged.
- January 10th, 2006- Wedding Day
This timetable is not something I am proud of, or like to admit openly. But alas, I want this blog to be healing to me, so I need to talk about subjects that are not always easy for me to open up about.
Our wedding was small. The only people there were Jake's family, close family friends of Jake's that helped up tremendously with the wedding, Pastor, best friends Mel and Henry, and a couple other people that helped with the wedding. I didn't really get to plan my wedding. I was in such shock about being pregnant, that I thought we were supposed to get married super fast to help make everything right. I did get to pick my dress. Sadly, my wedding day is not a day I think back on and smile. It makes me think of everything I didn't get on that "Big Day". My wedding was the first wedding I have ever been to. The first wedding I went to after my own, I spent a good part of it crying because I finally saw all that a wedding was supposed to be, and all that I had missed out on. Off and on, Jake and I would talk about how we wanted to do a big wedding celebration/vow renewal so we could finally celebrate with all of the friends and family that were left out the first time.
We were finally thinking that the summer after our 5 year anniversary would be perfect, summer 2011. It was exciting- thinking of what adorable matching dresses Lily and Kate would wear, how fun it would be having all of our friends and family there, what we would do for a reception, what kind of dress I would wear.... It is nearing the end of summer 2010 right now, so of course, it has come up in our minds again. But this time, I am not quite as excited. I am not sure what to do. My parents were a big reason why we wanted to have a celebration party, since they were not able to come in 2006. But right now, we are not speaking. I know that I should invite them to our big party, because it would be the right thing to do. But I don't want them to come. I don't want my wedding celebration, 5 1/2 years late, to be the time that we fight and argue and try to work things out, because I don't think we can. It would be awful; I can only imagine the harsh and hurtful words that would be said, the pain that would be inflicted, and the emotional scars it would leave on me. I want to have this big party so much- I think it would really redeem a lot for me. But the way I picture it in my head, I don't think it can ever happen that way. The way I picture it is: It's a beautiful June day, not too hot, but blue sky. The flowers are blooming in our backyard. Chairs are set up. I'm wearing a beautiful white sundress- Jake is in khakis and a button down shirt, the three kids running around- the girls in their matching sundresses and Jonah matching Jacob. All of our friends and family are there- beaming at us, because they finally get to celebrate the love that Jake and I have for each other. I picture my parents there- smiling at us- being supportive and saying how proud they are of us because of all we have gone through and overcome. And because of how well we are doing, great marriage, great kids- a family based in love. Then afterwards, we all have a big party, with great food and full of laughter. That's what I picture. It would be perfect.
But I don't think that's possible. I don't know if my parents will ever get to the point where they can be supportive and loving towards us. So what do I do? Do I go ahead and plan my wedding celebration for summer 2011, like we were planning, but don't invite my parents? Or hold off indefinitely, to wait and see if they will ever come around? This celebration is something I really really want to do, and I don't want to wait another 10 years. I want to celebrate now! Jake and I have a great life, full of love, with 3 awesome kids, and we want to celebrate our lives and marriage with those who mean the most to us! I am struggling right now, I don't know what the right thing to do is. Part of me knows that I should do what's best for my family, and not wait around for those who are not close to us anymore. But then again, to have another big event that my family was missing again? I just don't know...
Thankfully, in our case, everything turned out perfectly, and we are blessed to have Kate as a part of our family. I thank God every day for her. In the past 4 1/2 years of marriage, Jake and I have been reminded over and over that God is in control and His plan is usually quite different than what we have planned. When God throws you a curve ball, trust that He knows what is best.
While it certainly has been challenging having 3 kids 3 and under, you know what? I wouldn't change it. We thought we were perfectly happy with our 2 kids, a girl and a boy, and were not "planning" on having any more. But Kate has brought so much joy to our family. She is seriously the sweetest little thing and such a great baby. It is not easy and often times I am trying not to go crazy, but so many times I look and Kate and feel like she is my breath of fresh air. When we first found out that we were having a third baby I thought "why would God want me to have another baby when I can hardly handle the two I already have??" And that's honestly how I felt. And sometimes I still feel a little out of control with the three kids, but Kate is just what we needed. Every time I look at her she brings a grin to my face. She is awesome and I CAN'T wait to see my kids grow up together, so close in age. It's going to be great. Thank you God for blessing us with a healthy and happy baby Kate!!